Overestimating Loss In Love – What To Do

We know our brain overestimates loss thanks to the Advertising Industry’s profound exploration into how we buy, what makes us act. Whether it is a purchase or even more importantly, a relationship, we are wired to overestimate the loss of something or someone as a way to keep women connected and therefore (in our brain stem’s opinion) protected! Or if you are a man reading this keeping what’s yours or having what you want makes you powerful over your environment.

Which is why I wanted to write to you today. You see this is at the heart of the matter when it comes to relationship difficulties. This overestimating loss… it leads to a lot of struggles!

Female and male brains are wired differently. Those of you who know me have heard me talk about the differences like the communication centers in a female brain. Women have the equivalent of eight switching stations that communication gets wired through before it rolls out. Eight…

Men, well, they have none. Not one single communication hub, because for them it’s a linear function. Think it and spit it out. This really helps explain a lot, doesn’t it.

Let me drill down for you. Women thrive on connection. That was part of our biological survival – care of the offspring – so our psychology mirrors our biology.

Men thrive on action, seeing the effect they have on the world, the hunting and gathering piece. Even the ‘beta’ men still have a need to compare and contrast with those around them in terms of their impact on the world. Like passing cars on a freeway to know you are really getting somewhere!

Since women thrive on connection and men thrive on action, can you see where the push back or battle of the sexes comes in to play? Even in same sex couples there are masculine and feminine roles.

Our brain overestimates loss, so women’s survivor brain is trolling for information to alert them to possible threat of connection disconnect. Their brain can spin into…okay you know. You’ve either done it or witnessed it.

Men’s brains overestimate the loss of power when it comes to action. Freedom is more their battle cry. Yet the more they choose freedom the more women fear the loss of connection and the vicious cycles and sometimes battles begin! Even the married ones, the tug of war for who does what and when is alive and well.

Want a tip? How to short circuit this battle? I thought so, that’s why I sat down to write this today.

When woman drop into what they FEEL and share what they really want from that heart-centered place, the man’s brain can relax around their freedom to act on it how they want. This dramatically improves the chances that the woman will receive what she wants or BETTER. The goal is to stick with what you want NOT what he needs to do.

In other words, how does the action or emotion you are wishing for make you feel – connected most likely, supported and loved come into the picture too. For example you aren’t going to die if he doesn’t call or text you when he’s gone for the weekend, but the female brain will feel disconnected and go into red alert. What you are asking for is a way to feel connected even when he’s gone. Let him know that and leave the choice on how he does it up to him, seriously! Then he makes choices from a place of power not instruction.

Give him room to ‘not connect’ with you if he prefers that and then manage how you feel around it. (A big piece, I know) If you have an overall good relationship, don’t let the female fear brain over-ride the big picture. If you don’t have a good relationship, that’s another blog posting.

For men, knowing you offer choices on whether to meet the woman’s wants or needs and choices on how they do it moves the battle of wills into a matter of feeling safe with you. Which is a place most men really do want to be led into with a centered caring feminine energy strong enough to risk asking and letting men off the hook for what comes next. Freedom here…

Secure men love this and respond very well to this – I’ve got years and years of proof it works. When they feel they have respect for their choices and your trust in sharing what you want plus managing your emotions around it when they can’t hit the target, that’s the winning recipe right there! You get more than you dreamed of women, it’s road tested and real.

Men who don’t respond well, I will leave until another post. There not bad guys. In many cases they are working through their own stuff around owning and asking for what they want. Give ’em a break. Right? My Mom says, be as generous with other people’s faults as you’d like them to be with yours. Good advice…

When men have the freedom to answer your wants and needs they feel inspired to do so, not compelled, shamed or blamed into doing so- it’s such a powerful connection! Well, I could write oceans on this – which is why I put the class together. It’s to reinforce a new way of being and then doing in relationships wrapped around the biggest truth possible, your Destiny! You have more power than you know, why not put that to work in one of the most important aspects of your life.

Thank you for the chance to share what I love most – the Truth of the best YOU possible,

Lisa Greenfield

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